being a burn-out, the common advise everywhere is: take a break. ah. good idea. never thought of that before. it´s ridiculous. i am a yoga teacher unable to take breaks and relax. but that´s how it is just now. it´s exactly like telling an addict to just live without the drug or an obsessive eater to just eat less. come on, just relax. well, i am trying. i am going on my holidays in a couple of hours and a bit like a junkie I am still here typing, oh, I can still go for a run, get this organized, write another email... I mean there will be no computer for more than a week. I gotta work in advanced. ops, forgot, I am incapable of working and on an official break. I DON´T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT!
the next 10 days or so I won´t have a choice and I will report after how it went down. missing my blog already.
Sonntag, 25. Juli 2010
freedom
the last days were all about freedom for me. although I stopped working more than two months ago, I never felt I actually had. I still had to organize people to cover classes for me to keep my yoga studio running, attend health appointments for my broken down psyche, inform all my students and clients I will quit (it is as if you´re actually quitting to 100 bosses... and I only did it in writing) and take care of finding someone to take over the studio and compensate me for at least a part of my expenses that I put into it only a year ago. And a not too small a task it was to keep my distance, to not be invaded by nosy people who relentlessly kept asking about what was wrong with me, even if I communicated on ALL channels that I´m not willing to talk about it (not to mention it´s noone´s business, but that´s too subtle a thought for a lot of people). Well, and integrating such a decision is actually quite heavy physical work, too. So, it turned out I might have quit my official job, but I had not all quit working, being busy, being responsible, being stressed. I was often even more stressed as I was when I was still doing my teaching.
Little by little, I could let go of small parts of all the tension I was still clinging to. To be honest, they were so small, I didn´t feel the difference. I can only see that now, looking back how things evolved over the last weeks. And even when I came to a point when pretty much everything was taken care of, I noticed, in a way, I don´t even wanna let go! How crazy was that? I went through all that pain of the decision to leave behind the life I had designed for me over the last 5 crucial years and prepared to drop it all, heal, and start over; I stopped working and managed my calender to be blank for whole days, but still, I was tense, stressed out, attached to my duties, caught up in my mental game of 'I-have-to-take-care-of-everything-for everyone'. So I WAS free, there were no obligations anymore. But I didn´t feel ANY freedom. Because the only freedom you can have is inside yourself. What a horrible lesson.
I used to travel a lot to afar countries with the (in retrospect) very clear intention of getting away from everything, everyone and myself. And to be free. I did never realize I never did find freedom anywhere. Not on the nicest beaches, not in a school routine down under, not between volcanos and glaciers, not in a tent nor in a nice hotel. I have always been and still am intrigued by the idea of finding solutions in the outer world. Buy this, be happy. Get slim, be bliss. That would be so much easier than that work-loaded 'relax. have faith. be happy.' I got from my beloved yoga teacher. I guess I need a few more learning opportunities to get there.
So before I made a few courageous steps into that direction, I had to walk some steps backwards, as if to do an inrun. I got more and more stresses, I was even convinced I needed an anti-depressant, I started bingeing on food again, I dug out every old mind pattern I could find to drag me down (and I have a good hidden stack of those in a bottom drawer in the back) and keep me as small, as dependent, as needy and as suffering as I thought and felt it is necessary. Which means very. I hated it. I gained weight and that alone would have make me feel miserable enough. When everything is (or feels) out of control, it´s such a great strategy to just focus on eating (or not-eating) and your body weight and obsess with that for a while. (Maybe secretely hoping that everything else will blow by eventually and take care of itself.) Not that it every worked out for me. But does that mean I can´t believe it will one day?
I somehow mangaged to peel myself out of that shell more and more in those last days and I finally can sense something like relief and the sight of fredom on the horizon. I will go on a 3-weeks-holiday to France tomorrow and to a Ashram in Portugal for at least 2 months from September. So know I have time to relax into the outer freedom and allow myself more to embrace the inner freedom as well. Cause that is what counts and that´s the only thing that can heal and nurture me now. I am finally breathing deeply again without a lit cigarette in my mouth (also a little freedom) and I am starting to realize I am all free. in this life, in me. cool.
Little by little, I could let go of small parts of all the tension I was still clinging to. To be honest, they were so small, I didn´t feel the difference. I can only see that now, looking back how things evolved over the last weeks. And even when I came to a point when pretty much everything was taken care of, I noticed, in a way, I don´t even wanna let go! How crazy was that? I went through all that pain of the decision to leave behind the life I had designed for me over the last 5 crucial years and prepared to drop it all, heal, and start over; I stopped working and managed my calender to be blank for whole days, but still, I was tense, stressed out, attached to my duties, caught up in my mental game of 'I-have-to-take-care-of-everything-for everyone'. So I WAS free, there were no obligations anymore. But I didn´t feel ANY freedom. Because the only freedom you can have is inside yourself. What a horrible lesson.
I used to travel a lot to afar countries with the (in retrospect) very clear intention of getting away from everything, everyone and myself. And to be free. I did never realize I never did find freedom anywhere. Not on the nicest beaches, not in a school routine down under, not between volcanos and glaciers, not in a tent nor in a nice hotel. I have always been and still am intrigued by the idea of finding solutions in the outer world. Buy this, be happy. Get slim, be bliss. That would be so much easier than that work-loaded 'relax. have faith. be happy.' I got from my beloved yoga teacher. I guess I need a few more learning opportunities to get there.
So before I made a few courageous steps into that direction, I had to walk some steps backwards, as if to do an inrun. I got more and more stresses, I was even convinced I needed an anti-depressant, I started bingeing on food again, I dug out every old mind pattern I could find to drag me down (and I have a good hidden stack of those in a bottom drawer in the back) and keep me as small, as dependent, as needy and as suffering as I thought and felt it is necessary. Which means very. I hated it. I gained weight and that alone would have make me feel miserable enough. When everything is (or feels) out of control, it´s such a great strategy to just focus on eating (or not-eating) and your body weight and obsess with that for a while. (Maybe secretely hoping that everything else will blow by eventually and take care of itself.) Not that it every worked out for me. But does that mean I can´t believe it will one day?
I somehow mangaged to peel myself out of that shell more and more in those last days and I finally can sense something like relief and the sight of fredom on the horizon. I will go on a 3-weeks-holiday to France tomorrow and to a Ashram in Portugal for at least 2 months from September. So know I have time to relax into the outer freedom and allow myself more to embrace the inner freedom as well. Cause that is what counts and that´s the only thing that can heal and nurture me now. I am finally breathing deeply again without a lit cigarette in my mouth (also a little freedom) and I am starting to realize I am all free. in this life, in me. cool.
Freitag, 23. Juli 2010
I quit.
I quit my Yoga studio yesterday. I had my own studio for a year now and I gave it away yesterday. there´s still stuff to figure out (e.g. who buys a hundred yoga mats, belts and blocks...) but it´s the first step after a long struggle to let it go.
I quit working as a yoga teacher abour 2 months ago. It was horrible. I wasn´t able to work anymore, there was nothing I could give that wouldn´t mean for myself to bleed and suffer. but still I beat myself up for being weak and being a loser. it took me weeks to understand that I am allowed to make this decision. that I don´t have to suffer for anyone.
I quit living the life I thought others expected me to live. or even I epected myself to live. I dared to stop earning money, letting go of all responsibilities (working on that part) and to start to listening what I really need and want. Maybe that´s a first. I guess it is. At least this consciously.
As soon as I stopped working, I started to smoke again. After 5 years being a non-smoker! I just needed the dramatic gesture. I just didn´t know how to breathe deeply anymore (this coming from a breath-loving yoga teacher) without some nicotine guiding the air into the depths of my lungs. But I quit that, too. After too many (wonderful) evenings with a friend contemplating about life with (non-alcoholic, yes I´m a true party master) beer and way too many cigarettes, I decided it´s time to quit again. I quit before, I never wanted to smoke again, none of the cells in my body wanted this crap inside me anymore, so I quit. I mastered 2 days so far. There´s no cravings, and I am glad that not yet another obsession has slowly crawled back into my life.
Speaking of obsessions. I haven´t quit all of them. They are fighting insinde me for so many years now I guess they just got used to the game. It´s hard to imagine them not doing that anymore, but that´s my big learning task for now. Lettting go.
I have had an eating disorder from early age on, after losing a lot of weight I gained much more after and I am struggling ever since. on the outside with my weight (and excepting my body as beautiful) and on the inside (allowing myself to live and therefore to eat). there have been good, bad and worse times, but I am afraid I have never been happy with how I looked and felt. due to a more or less yogic diet I lost quite a few kilos over the last years, having achieved a healthy weight of 57-59 kilos, I am a tiny 1,61 m woman. only to find myself fall back into old patterns of bingeing and feeling horribly guilty, only compensation that feeling with more food. and yes, tomorrow I´ll be strong again, tomorrow, tomorrow. tomorrow still is tomorrow. So I have gained at least 5 kilos, which doesn´t sound too dramatic (even when I type it here) but it feels enormous and it´s so frustrating to have gained all that back... I feel like an elephant. I know I don´t look like one but I feel like one. My clothes hardly fit me anymore (thank god it´s too hot to wear jeans, and thank god for all the lovely wide dresses on the market) and I freak out by the look into my closet. In one of my very dearly loved self help books I luckily happened to find many years ago, there is this sentence: You cannot 'feel fat'. Fat is not a feeling. But I KNOW it is. And I KNOW I´m not the only one.
So here I am, a 30-year-old yoga teacher who dropped everything apart from that excess weight, but I did drop my job, my financial existence, my business, my career plans, my pressure to go on and on although I wasn´t able anymore to do so ...
And yes there is something else I didn´t drop. My will to live and to finally find my way to be relaxed, faithful and happy.
I will keep you posted ;-)
I quit working as a yoga teacher abour 2 months ago. It was horrible. I wasn´t able to work anymore, there was nothing I could give that wouldn´t mean for myself to bleed and suffer. but still I beat myself up for being weak and being a loser. it took me weeks to understand that I am allowed to make this decision. that I don´t have to suffer for anyone.
I quit living the life I thought others expected me to live. or even I epected myself to live. I dared to stop earning money, letting go of all responsibilities (working on that part) and to start to listening what I really need and want. Maybe that´s a first. I guess it is. At least this consciously.
As soon as I stopped working, I started to smoke again. After 5 years being a non-smoker! I just needed the dramatic gesture. I just didn´t know how to breathe deeply anymore (this coming from a breath-loving yoga teacher) without some nicotine guiding the air into the depths of my lungs. But I quit that, too. After too many (wonderful) evenings with a friend contemplating about life with (non-alcoholic, yes I´m a true party master) beer and way too many cigarettes, I decided it´s time to quit again. I quit before, I never wanted to smoke again, none of the cells in my body wanted this crap inside me anymore, so I quit. I mastered 2 days so far. There´s no cravings, and I am glad that not yet another obsession has slowly crawled back into my life.
Speaking of obsessions. I haven´t quit all of them. They are fighting insinde me for so many years now I guess they just got used to the game. It´s hard to imagine them not doing that anymore, but that´s my big learning task for now. Lettting go.
I have had an eating disorder from early age on, after losing a lot of weight I gained much more after and I am struggling ever since. on the outside with my weight (and excepting my body as beautiful) and on the inside (allowing myself to live and therefore to eat). there have been good, bad and worse times, but I am afraid I have never been happy with how I looked and felt. due to a more or less yogic diet I lost quite a few kilos over the last years, having achieved a healthy weight of 57-59 kilos, I am a tiny 1,61 m woman. only to find myself fall back into old patterns of bingeing and feeling horribly guilty, only compensation that feeling with more food. and yes, tomorrow I´ll be strong again, tomorrow, tomorrow. tomorrow still is tomorrow. So I have gained at least 5 kilos, which doesn´t sound too dramatic (even when I type it here) but it feels enormous and it´s so frustrating to have gained all that back... I feel like an elephant. I know I don´t look like one but I feel like one. My clothes hardly fit me anymore (thank god it´s too hot to wear jeans, and thank god for all the lovely wide dresses on the market) and I freak out by the look into my closet. In one of my very dearly loved self help books I luckily happened to find many years ago, there is this sentence: You cannot 'feel fat'. Fat is not a feeling. But I KNOW it is. And I KNOW I´m not the only one.
So here I am, a 30-year-old yoga teacher who dropped everything apart from that excess weight, but I did drop my job, my financial existence, my business, my career plans, my pressure to go on and on although I wasn´t able anymore to do so ...
And yes there is something else I didn´t drop. My will to live and to finally find my way to be relaxed, faithful and happy.
I will keep you posted ;-)
Donnerstag, 22. Juli 2010
my first post ever...
welcome. nice to be read by you. thanks for investing some of your precious time in this. feel invited to take part in my journey, which has yet no destination to go to, but an eager motivation to get there. this will be about the past, present and future. about me, my life, and everyone´s hope to be close to oneself, and all the rest. looking forward to this!
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