freedom

the last days were all about freedom for me. although I stopped working more than two months ago, I never felt I actually had. I still had to organize people to cover classes for me to keep my yoga studio running, attend health appointments for my broken down psyche, inform all my students and clients I will quit (it is as if you´re actually quitting to 100 bosses... and I only did it in writing) and take care of finding someone to take over the studio and compensate me for at least a part of my expenses that I put into it only a year ago. And a not too small a task it was to keep my distance, to not be invaded by nosy people who relentlessly kept asking about what was wrong with me, even if I communicated on ALL channels that I´m not willing to talk about it (not to mention it´s noone´s business, but that´s too subtle a thought for a lot of people). Well, and integrating such a decision is actually quite heavy physical work, too. So, it turned out I might have quit my official job, but I had not all quit working, being busy, being responsible, being stressed. I was often even more stressed as I was when I was still doing my teaching.

Little by little, I could let go of small parts of all the tension I was still clinging to. To be honest, they were so small, I didn´t feel the difference. I can only see that now, looking back how things evolved over the last weeks. And even when I came to a point when pretty much everything was taken care of, I noticed, in a way, I don´t even wanna let go! How crazy was that? I went through all that pain of the decision to leave behind the life I had designed for me over the last 5 crucial years and prepared to drop it all, heal, and start over; I stopped working and managed my calender to be blank for whole days, but still, I was tense, stressed out, attached to my duties, caught up in my mental game of 'I-have-to-take-care-of-everything-for everyone'. So I WAS free, there were no obligations anymore. But I didn´t feel ANY freedom. Because the only freedom you can have is inside yourself. What a horrible lesson.

I used to travel a lot to afar countries with the (in retrospect) very clear intention of getting away from everything, everyone and myself. And to be free. I did never realize I never did find freedom anywhere. Not on the nicest beaches, not in a school routine down under, not between volcanos and glaciers, not in a tent nor in a nice hotel. I have always been and still am intrigued by the idea of finding solutions in the outer world. Buy this, be happy. Get slim, be bliss. That would be so much easier than that work-loaded 'relax. have faith. be happy.' I got from my beloved yoga teacher. I guess I need a few more learning opportunities to get there.

So before I made a few courageous steps into that direction, I had to walk some steps backwards, as if to do an inrun. I got more and more stresses, I was even convinced I needed an anti-depressant, I started bingeing on food again, I dug out every old mind pattern I could find to drag me down (and I have a good hidden stack of those in a bottom drawer in the back) and keep me as small, as dependent, as needy and as suffering as I thought and felt it is necessary. Which means very. I hated it. I gained weight and that alone would have make me feel miserable enough. When everything is (or feels) out of control, it´s such a great strategy to just focus on eating (or not-eating) and your body weight and obsess with that for a while. (Maybe secretely hoping that everything else will blow by eventually and take care of itself.) Not that it every worked out for me. But does that mean I can´t believe it will one day?

I somehow mangaged to peel myself out of that shell more and more in those last days and I finally can sense something like relief and the sight of fredom on the horizon. I will go on a 3-weeks-holiday to France tomorrow and to a Ashram in Portugal for at least 2 months from September. So know I have time to relax into the outer freedom and allow myself more to embrace the inner freedom as well. Cause that is what counts and that´s the only thing that can heal and nurture me now. I am finally breathing deeply again without a lit cigarette in my mouth (also a little freedom) and I am starting to realize I am all free. in this life, in me. cool.