I had a personal training session in this gym I wrote about. The trainer made a fitness test. The result was that my 'fitness' age is 27 instead of 30. So much for the good news. I also learned that my body fat mass has increased by 10% (since I last measured it 8 years ago).
And I was weighed. I weigh even more than I thought, I have officially gained 10 kilos over the last year. I could feel my heart beating after I stepped off the scale. Only with a yogic breathing technique I managed to calm down my pulse within a few minutes to not screw up the heartrate evaluation that followed. Thank God.
So I have a goal now. I want to lose this weight again. I will not write about weightloss everytime now, as I surely know that it´s not all about it. But the only word I have in my head is: WHY? Why did I repress the perception of my increasing weight as long as I did? And how did I even do it? I will actually have to buy some new clothes. I am still in too much of a shock to not find that horrifying. The only good thing is that I really like shopping.
Montag, 8. November 2010
Samstag, 6. November 2010
back to life... back to reality.
so I am back home. it actually does feel like it. although I hadn´t expected it. the once oppressing appartment doesn´t seem to be so small anymore, the relationship not too close, the city not so ugly. so a smooth return to begin with.
After a very sweet welcome day I created my own culture shock by going to an info day at uni and hearing a business studies reading, as I am (apparently, I was surprised myself) still considering to sign up for that subject. It was good in a way, I was relieved I wasn´t the oldest person around (almost though) and I sympathize with the idea of going into a classroom on a daily basis again after so many years. I imagined myself having a routine and actually enjoying it. And it somehow worked.
But I am still not too sure whether it´s the right course for me, whether I shouldn´t rather go for sociology and economics... basically, the day set ALL the thoughts in motion again that I pushed away so successfully over the last two months. What I am gonna study, where/when/how I am going to be able to afford that (or not), whether I will get a job after, whether I will be too old when I graduate, whether I should cancel my trip to Australia to not 'waste' another year... and so on. I felt the carousel starting all over and none the slower. It rather felt like it was trying to catch up on all of the missed rotations during the break.
So instead of returning from the ashram ascetic, slim, relieved, half-holy and with a ready-madeplan for my future, I am still exhausted and stuck. I have got a rough plan, but it´s so rough it gives me bruises. I have a direction, but no definite goal. I feel my roots a little bit more lately, but don´t have a clue where to turn to grow. It´s still all out in the open and I guess I have to let it be that for as long as it takes. Did I mention I don´t fancy that at all?
Trying to embrace the routine idea, I took a try-out aerobics class today at a gym I consider joining. It was good and horrible at the same time. All the people were very friendly, the instructor kind of good (well, bearable, but he made me sweat, so it was ok, I am way to professional to not complain about this and that...), the music was a bit odd but ok, my brand new trainers looked great. And somehow I did too. But I also realized just HOW MUCH weight I have really gained (according to the tightness of my sportsgear) and how great I must have looked years agon when i was still working out so much but always hated how I looked cause I thought I was fat. I wasn´t fat. I am not even fat now. It´s ridiculous how your own brain can trick you and let yourself appear so out of shape in front of your very own eyes...
So I know I was never fat and I am not now. That´s the good news. The bad is, I really need to lose some weight. Yep. Can´t help it. Gotta stop overeating, get moving and get back into shape. I am working on accepting that it´s not gonna happen overnight. I hate that fact. But life is now. The kilos are there but life is too. The only thing I can change is to stop hating myself and allow myself to lose the pounds while loving myself at the same time. I guess that´s the new game. Do you have the impression you have accidently ended up in a weight-loss blog? Well, you might have. Because in the end it´s all just a metaphore on how much we are able to let go, how much we are able to feel rooted (without feeling heavy by eating) and how far our self love goes. Phew. Can someone please remind me that I said this? Soon? Like in an hour or so? Thanks.
My self-love withered extremely when I saw a former colleague of mine who works in the same building my yoga studio used to be. I had just invited myself for coffee (after I had so gracefully mastered the gym class before) in one of my favourite places in this town, and all of a sudden there´s a familiar face. Which means potentially: small-talk, the inevitable question how I am, the pity looks. OMG. I drowned in my coffee mug (thank God I ordered a large one) and hid behind the papers I bought. I felt like in a bad movie. But it worked, she didn´t seem to notice me or at least didn´t talk to me, I even managed to squeeze by her table on the way out without her seeing me. Or me seeing her. Horrible. I hate this kind of situation and there´s no nice way to do it. Not if you´re not on top of things. And there it was again. The lack of anonymousity that I dislike about this town. Phew, again. I just don´t know whether this is the place for me or whether I am right for the place. But like ALL the other current issues it will not dissolve itself today.
Only when I start to breathe, let go, feel good about myself without any outer reason, live and don´t look back. Amen.
After a very sweet welcome day I created my own culture shock by going to an info day at uni and hearing a business studies reading, as I am (apparently, I was surprised myself) still considering to sign up for that subject. It was good in a way, I was relieved I wasn´t the oldest person around (almost though) and I sympathize with the idea of going into a classroom on a daily basis again after so many years. I imagined myself having a routine and actually enjoying it. And it somehow worked.
But I am still not too sure whether it´s the right course for me, whether I shouldn´t rather go for sociology and economics... basically, the day set ALL the thoughts in motion again that I pushed away so successfully over the last two months. What I am gonna study, where/when/how I am going to be able to afford that (or not), whether I will get a job after, whether I will be too old when I graduate, whether I should cancel my trip to Australia to not 'waste' another year... and so on. I felt the carousel starting all over and none the slower. It rather felt like it was trying to catch up on all of the missed rotations during the break.
So instead of returning from the ashram ascetic, slim, relieved, half-holy and with a ready-madeplan for my future, I am still exhausted and stuck. I have got a rough plan, but it´s so rough it gives me bruises. I have a direction, but no definite goal. I feel my roots a little bit more lately, but don´t have a clue where to turn to grow. It´s still all out in the open and I guess I have to let it be that for as long as it takes. Did I mention I don´t fancy that at all?
Trying to embrace the routine idea, I took a try-out aerobics class today at a gym I consider joining. It was good and horrible at the same time. All the people were very friendly, the instructor kind of good (well, bearable, but he made me sweat, so it was ok, I am way to professional to not complain about this and that...), the music was a bit odd but ok, my brand new trainers looked great. And somehow I did too. But I also realized just HOW MUCH weight I have really gained (according to the tightness of my sportsgear) and how great I must have looked years agon when i was still working out so much but always hated how I looked cause I thought I was fat. I wasn´t fat. I am not even fat now. It´s ridiculous how your own brain can trick you and let yourself appear so out of shape in front of your very own eyes...
So I know I was never fat and I am not now. That´s the good news. The bad is, I really need to lose some weight. Yep. Can´t help it. Gotta stop overeating, get moving and get back into shape. I am working on accepting that it´s not gonna happen overnight. I hate that fact. But life is now. The kilos are there but life is too. The only thing I can change is to stop hating myself and allow myself to lose the pounds while loving myself at the same time. I guess that´s the new game. Do you have the impression you have accidently ended up in a weight-loss blog? Well, you might have. Because in the end it´s all just a metaphore on how much we are able to let go, how much we are able to feel rooted (without feeling heavy by eating) and how far our self love goes. Phew. Can someone please remind me that I said this? Soon? Like in an hour or so? Thanks.
My self-love withered extremely when I saw a former colleague of mine who works in the same building my yoga studio used to be. I had just invited myself for coffee (after I had so gracefully mastered the gym class before) in one of my favourite places in this town, and all of a sudden there´s a familiar face. Which means potentially: small-talk, the inevitable question how I am, the pity looks. OMG. I drowned in my coffee mug (thank God I ordered a large one) and hid behind the papers I bought. I felt like in a bad movie. But it worked, she didn´t seem to notice me or at least didn´t talk to me, I even managed to squeeze by her table on the way out without her seeing me. Or me seeing her. Horrible. I hate this kind of situation and there´s no nice way to do it. Not if you´re not on top of things. And there it was again. The lack of anonymousity that I dislike about this town. Phew, again. I just don´t know whether this is the place for me or whether I am right for the place. But like ALL the other current issues it will not dissolve itself today.
Only when I start to breathe, let go, feel good about myself without any outer reason, live and don´t look back. Amen.
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