it´s sunday morning, 9.30 a.m. I have been sitting here on this couch for almost an hour now, browsing the web, reading posts on my favourite workout pages. I have been intending to workout for 1.5 hours this morning (before brunch and work) but I haven´t moved an inch. I have been trying to push it but I kinda ignored myself.
in the last weeks i restarted taking an antidepressant. i also found out that my thyroid was treated incorrectly over the last 1.5 years and probably contributed a lot to feeling miserable and depressed. my medication was changed and i could feel the depression literally lifting from day 1.
i took on a job at a cafe, preparing coffee, waiting tables, cleaning dishes. after a high in the beginning about being able to work again at all (and actually enjoying the job as it is!), lack of self-esteem has crept back in again and now i am beating myself up for not earning enough money. I am currently considering applying for a second job.
So after the paradise holidays in morocco there had been a deep ditch, then a steep curve to a high, and now I only feel i am stuck again. I am still so NOT satisfied with my weight and continuosly beat myself up about it, I am so dissatisfied with earning so little money, I am pushing myself too hard for those reasons and I don´t even feel I have finally beaten the depression.
So where do I stand today? I kind of made my way out of the rut by taking on a job. But it´s never enough. I will never be successful, pretty, skinny or perfect enough. I will apparently always find a reason to look down on myself. Where do I get all the self-hatred from? Why do I keep creating the same ugly place to be in over and over again?
If I start working it´s not enough money (although I even got a raise within two weeks cause I am good!!). If I eat good and workout a lot (which I enjoy!!) I firm up a little just to punish myself with overeating and keeping me from feeling any good inside myself.
Why the hell am I still doing this to myself? How can I KNOW that I am the only person NOT wanting myself to be happy and NOT change it??? How many more years of therapy and yoga and WTF else are necessary to actually CHANGE this mess?
I am bored with it. Sick and tired. My first inner impulse is always: Ok, so from today, I´ll diet, tomorrow I´ll get another job and then everything will turn out great.
Great.
Right?
Sonntag, 27. Februar 2011
Sonntag, 16. Januar 2011
days in paradise
i can´t believe it´s almost over now. i have one day left in paradise. i spent an amazing week in a surf and yoga retreat in a wonderful villa with lovely and fun people. i did 3,5 hours of yoga everyday and a rough 2 hours of surfing on top of that (so my body at least FEELS amazing now!), soaking up loads of sunshine and relaxation in between. every day has been perfect, the weather was spectacular. so much light and blue skies and perfect sunsets.
i have also eaten massive amounts of food this week. but not because of emotions that need to be surpressed but because I was starving before EVERY single meal we had. everyone was. and we all dug in like construction workers as we felt like we had been burnign off all that energy being in the water or having done 2 solid hours of vinyasa yoga before breakfast. and it was brilliant food, too. we had amazing chef who prepared the most fabulous vegetarian meals for us.
I secretely had hoped to maybe lose some weight due to all those activities during the week, but there was no chance of NOT filling up at mealtimes. And although it seems like I have eaten for two I feel lighter and firmer than in a long time. I had my odd moments, especially at the beach wearing a bikini, but I have to say that working out so much physically every day just made me feel so great that I actually enjoyed myself most of the time and felt great inside my body. what an experience! i don´t know how long ago (if ever) I felt so good inside my body. Phew. That´s a big step.
I hope I can take it from there, find some new routines at home to integrate yoga and working out in my daily schedule again. I really feel charged again. Finally. Not like nothing had ever happened in the last year but like I am getting ready to start fresh.
So I make this my projection: I am taking the more rested and more relaxed me with me back home. I am capable of relaxing, so I will practise I every day. I am capable of improving myself every day and so I will. I am capable of loving myself so I will remind myself of that every day.
i have also eaten massive amounts of food this week. but not because of emotions that need to be surpressed but because I was starving before EVERY single meal we had. everyone was. and we all dug in like construction workers as we felt like we had been burnign off all that energy being in the water or having done 2 solid hours of vinyasa yoga before breakfast. and it was brilliant food, too. we had amazing chef who prepared the most fabulous vegetarian meals for us.
I secretely had hoped to maybe lose some weight due to all those activities during the week, but there was no chance of NOT filling up at mealtimes. And although it seems like I have eaten for two I feel lighter and firmer than in a long time. I had my odd moments, especially at the beach wearing a bikini, but I have to say that working out so much physically every day just made me feel so great that I actually enjoyed myself most of the time and felt great inside my body. what an experience! i don´t know how long ago (if ever) I felt so good inside my body. Phew. That´s a big step.
I hope I can take it from there, find some new routines at home to integrate yoga and working out in my daily schedule again. I really feel charged again. Finally. Not like nothing had ever happened in the last year but like I am getting ready to start fresh.
So I make this my projection: I am taking the more rested and more relaxed me with me back home. I am capable of relaxing, so I will practise I every day. I am capable of improving myself every day and so I will. I am capable of loving myself so I will remind myself of that every day.
Samstag, 1. Januar 2011
new year´s manifesto
I let go. I let go of the past. I let go of my old fixed self-image. I let go of addiction and self-hate. I let go of worries, doubts and the anxiety to fail. I let go of overwhelming demands towards myself. I let go of projecting my needs onto others exceedingly. I let go of life in captivity.
I start fresh. I open my eyes to see and appreciate what I have achieved so far in my life. I look straight ahead, assured that I am enough, that I deserve to be happy, to prosper, to allow myself everything. I embrace living freely. I embrace new energy, strength and opportunities. I embrace acknowleding my needs and fulfilling them. I embrace giving and recieving self-love and love. I allow myself to set goals and reach them. I allow myself to have positive experiences. I allow myself to make mistakes and be unsure. I allow myself to take as much time for decisions as I need. I allow myself to breathe, live, dream, dare and be – be me. I am. I am that I am.
I start fresh. I open my eyes to see and appreciate what I have achieved so far in my life. I look straight ahead, assured that I am enough, that I deserve to be happy, to prosper, to allow myself everything. I embrace living freely. I embrace new energy, strength and opportunities. I embrace acknowleding my needs and fulfilling them. I embrace giving and recieving self-love and love. I allow myself to set goals and reach them. I allow myself to have positive experiences. I allow myself to make mistakes and be unsure. I allow myself to take as much time for decisions as I need. I allow myself to breathe, live, dream, dare and be – be me. I am. I am that I am.
Abonnieren
Posts (Atom)