sunday bloody sunday

it´s sunday morning, 9.30 a.m. I have been sitting here on this couch for almost an hour now, browsing the web, reading posts on my favourite workout pages. I have been intending to workout for 1.5 hours this morning (before brunch and work) but I haven´t moved an inch. I have been trying to push it but I kinda ignored myself.

in the last weeks i restarted taking an antidepressant. i also found out that my thyroid was treated incorrectly over the last 1.5 years and probably contributed a lot to feeling miserable and depressed. my medication was changed and i could feel the depression literally lifting from day 1.
i took on a job at a cafe, preparing coffee, waiting tables, cleaning dishes. after a high in the beginning about being able to work again at all (and actually enjoying the job as it is!), lack of self-esteem has crept back in again and now i am beating myself up for not earning enough money. I am currently considering applying for a second job.

So after the paradise holidays in morocco there had been a deep ditch, then a steep curve to a high, and now I only feel i am stuck again. I am still so NOT satisfied with my weight and continuosly beat myself up about it, I am so dissatisfied with earning so little money, I am pushing myself too hard for those reasons and I don´t even feel I have finally beaten the depression.

So where do I stand today? I kind of made my way out of the rut by taking on a job. But it´s never enough. I will never be successful, pretty, skinny or perfect enough. I will apparently always find a reason to look down on myself. Where do I get all the self-hatred from? Why do I keep creating the same ugly place to be in over and over again?
If I start working it´s not enough money (although I even got a raise within two weeks cause I am good!!). If I eat good and workout a lot (which I enjoy!!) I firm up a little just to punish myself with overeating and keeping me from feeling any good inside myself.

Why the hell am I still doing this to myself? How can I KNOW that I am the only person NOT wanting myself to be happy and NOT change it??? How many more years of therapy and yoga and WTF else are necessary to actually CHANGE this mess?

I am bored with it. Sick and tired. My first inner impulse is always: Ok, so from today, I´ll diet, tomorrow I´ll get another job and then everything will turn out great.
Great.
Right?