sunday bloody sunday

it´s sunday morning, 9.30 a.m. I have been sitting here on this couch for almost an hour now, browsing the web, reading posts on my favourite workout pages. I have been intending to workout for 1.5 hours this morning (before brunch and work) but I haven´t moved an inch. I have been trying to push it but I kinda ignored myself.

in the last weeks i restarted taking an antidepressant. i also found out that my thyroid was treated incorrectly over the last 1.5 years and probably contributed a lot to feeling miserable and depressed. my medication was changed and i could feel the depression literally lifting from day 1.
i took on a job at a cafe, preparing coffee, waiting tables, cleaning dishes. after a high in the beginning about being able to work again at all (and actually enjoying the job as it is!), lack of self-esteem has crept back in again and now i am beating myself up for not earning enough money. I am currently considering applying for a second job.

So after the paradise holidays in morocco there had been a deep ditch, then a steep curve to a high, and now I only feel i am stuck again. I am still so NOT satisfied with my weight and continuosly beat myself up about it, I am so dissatisfied with earning so little money, I am pushing myself too hard for those reasons and I don´t even feel I have finally beaten the depression.

So where do I stand today? I kind of made my way out of the rut by taking on a job. But it´s never enough. I will never be successful, pretty, skinny or perfect enough. I will apparently always find a reason to look down on myself. Where do I get all the self-hatred from? Why do I keep creating the same ugly place to be in over and over again?
If I start working it´s not enough money (although I even got a raise within two weeks cause I am good!!). If I eat good and workout a lot (which I enjoy!!) I firm up a little just to punish myself with overeating and keeping me from feeling any good inside myself.

Why the hell am I still doing this to myself? How can I KNOW that I am the only person NOT wanting myself to be happy and NOT change it??? How many more years of therapy and yoga and WTF else are necessary to actually CHANGE this mess?

I am bored with it. Sick and tired. My first inner impulse is always: Ok, so from today, I´ll diet, tomorrow I´ll get another job and then everything will turn out great.
Great.
Right?

days in paradise

i can´t believe it´s almost over now. i have one day left in paradise. i spent an amazing week in a surf and yoga retreat in a wonderful villa with lovely and fun people. i did 3,5 hours of yoga everyday and a rough 2 hours of surfing on top of that (so my body at least FEELS amazing now!), soaking up loads of sunshine and relaxation in between. every day has been perfect, the weather was spectacular. so much light and blue skies and perfect sunsets.
i have also eaten massive amounts of food this week. but not because of emotions that need to be surpressed but because I was starving before EVERY single meal we had. everyone was. and we all dug in like construction workers as we felt like we had been burnign off all that energy being in the water or having done 2 solid hours of vinyasa yoga before breakfast. and it was brilliant food, too. we had amazing chef who prepared the most fabulous vegetarian meals for us.
I secretely had hoped to maybe lose some weight due to all those activities during the week, but there was no chance of NOT filling up at mealtimes. And although it seems like I have eaten for two I feel lighter and firmer than in a long time. I had my odd moments, especially at the beach wearing a bikini, but I have to say that working out so much physically every day just made me feel so great that I actually enjoyed myself most of the time and felt great inside my body. what an experience! i don´t know how long ago (if ever) I felt so good inside my body. Phew. That´s a big step.
I hope I can take it from there, find some new routines at home to integrate yoga and working out in my daily schedule again. I really feel charged again. Finally. Not like nothing had ever happened in the last year but like I am getting ready to start fresh.
So I make this my projection: I am taking the more rested and more relaxed me with me back home. I am capable of relaxing, so I will practise I every day. I am capable of improving myself every day and so I will. I am capable of loving myself so I will remind myself of that every day.

new year´s manifesto

I let go. I let go of the past. I let go of my old fixed self-image. I let go of addiction and self-hate. I let go of worries, doubts and the anxiety to fail. I let go of overwhelming demands towards myself. I let go of projecting my needs onto others exceedingly. I let go of life in captivity.

I start fresh. I open my eyes to see and appreciate what I have achieved so far in my life. I look straight ahead, assured that I am enough, that I deserve to be happy, to prosper, to allow myself everything. I embrace living freely. I embrace new energy, strength and opportunities. I embrace acknowleding my needs and fulfilling them. I embrace giving and recieving self-love and love. I allow myself to set goals and reach them. I allow myself to have positive experiences. I allow myself to make mistakes and be unsure. I allow myself to take as much time for decisions as I need. I allow myself to breathe, live, dream, dare and be – be me. I am. I am that I am.

in the meantime...

... I have joined a different gym, only for a month, as i couldn´t really commit to a 2-year-contract for a lot of reasons.
... I tried to go to that gym as much as possible, doing all sorts of classes like Zumba, Hot Iron and Step Aerobic.
... I have NOT lost a gramm of that weight I gained and still feel tortured by having to look into a huge mirror for an hour while doing a class.
... I have tried to focus on the parameter of FEELING good, what always has worked - at least for that glorious moment when you leave the gym, freshly showered, and BEFORE you meet your fridge again.
... I have ordered big amounts of protein powder, toying with the idea of going on a diet consisting of nothing else.
... I have had the first one of those protein shakes and kind of started to rethink that idea.
... I have definetely been obessed about losing weight so much I am wondering how I actually got round to finish my taxes, find a new appartment and get all contracts for that settled, take a trip to Hamburg and to my hometown.
... I have decided I will start a new fitness regime in January, when I come back from Morocco, according to my new fitness hero Tracy Anderson.

I guess I don´t need to explain why. I DO feel like 14 posting this. I AM aware that the title of this blog has somehow tangled up with an interim version like 'get going.lose weight. start over.'

But this is my truth just now, I am aware of the underlying mess, but I have the feeling I need to tidy up the surface just a little to see clearer what needs to be done underneath.

3 years and 10 kilos

I had a personal training session in this gym I wrote about. The trainer made a fitness test. The result was that my 'fitness' age is 27 instead of 30. So much for the good news. I also learned that my body fat mass has increased by 10% (since I last measured it 8 years ago).
And I was weighed. I weigh even more than I thought, I have officially gained 10 kilos over the last year. I could feel my heart beating after I stepped off the scale. Only with a yogic breathing technique I managed to calm down my pulse within a few minutes to not screw up the heartrate evaluation that followed. Thank God.
So I have a goal now. I want to lose this weight again. I will not write about weightloss everytime now, as I surely know that it´s not all about it. But the only word I have in my head is: WHY? Why did I repress the perception of my increasing weight as long as I did? And how did I even do it? I will actually have to buy some new clothes. I am still in too much of a shock to not find that horrifying. The only good thing is that I really like shopping.

back to life... back to reality.

so I am back home. it actually does feel like it. although I hadn´t expected it. the once oppressing appartment doesn´t seem to be so small anymore, the relationship not too close, the city not so ugly. so a smooth return to begin with.
After a very sweet welcome day I created my own culture shock by going to an info day at uni and hearing a business studies reading, as I am (apparently, I was surprised myself) still considering to sign up for that subject. It was good in a way, I was relieved I wasn´t the oldest person around (almost though) and I sympathize with the idea of going into a classroom on a daily basis again after so many years. I imagined myself having a routine and actually enjoying it. And it somehow worked.
But I am still not too sure whether it´s the right course for me, whether I shouldn´t rather go for sociology and economics... basically, the day set ALL the thoughts in motion again that I pushed away so successfully over the last two months. What I am gonna study, where/when/how I am going to be able to afford that (or not), whether I will get a job after, whether I will be too old when I graduate, whether I should cancel my trip to Australia to not 'waste' another year... and so on. I felt the carousel starting all over and none the slower. It rather felt like it was trying to catch up on all of the missed rotations during the break.

So instead of returning from the ashram ascetic, slim, relieved, half-holy and with a ready-madeplan for my future, I am still exhausted and stuck. I have got a rough plan, but it´s so rough it gives me bruises. I have a direction, but no definite goal. I feel my roots a little bit more lately, but don´t have a clue where to turn to grow. It´s still all out in the open and I guess I have to let it be that for as long as it takes. Did I mention I don´t fancy that at all?

Trying to embrace the routine idea, I took a try-out aerobics class today at a gym I consider joining. It was good and horrible at the same time. All the people were very friendly, the instructor kind of good (well, bearable, but he made me sweat, so it was ok, I am way to professional to not complain about this and that...), the music was a bit odd but ok, my brand new trainers looked great. And somehow I did too. But I also realized just HOW MUCH weight I have really gained (according to the tightness of my sportsgear) and how great I must have looked years agon when i was still working out so much but always hated how I looked cause I thought I was fat. I wasn´t fat. I am not even fat now. It´s ridiculous how your own brain can trick you and let yourself appear so out of shape in front of your very own eyes...
So I know I was never fat and I am not now. That´s the good news. The bad is, I really need to lose some weight. Yep. Can´t help it. Gotta stop overeating, get moving and get back into shape. I am working on accepting that it´s not gonna happen overnight. I hate that fact. But life is now. The kilos are there but life is too. The only thing I can change is to stop hating myself and allow myself to lose the pounds while loving myself at the same time. I guess that´s the new game. Do you have the impression you have accidently ended up in a weight-loss blog? Well, you might have. Because in the end it´s all just a metaphore on how much we are able to let go, how much we are able to feel rooted (without feeling heavy by eating) and how far our self love goes. Phew. Can someone please remind me that I said this? Soon? Like in an hour or so? Thanks.

My self-love withered extremely when I saw a former colleague of mine who works in the same building my yoga studio used to be. I had just invited myself for coffee (after I had so gracefully mastered the gym class before) in one of my favourite places in this town, and all of a sudden there´s a familiar face. Which means potentially: small-talk, the inevitable question how I am, the pity looks. OMG. I drowned in my coffee mug (thank God I ordered a large one) and hid behind the papers I bought. I felt like in a bad movie. But it worked, she didn´t seem to notice me or at least didn´t talk to me, I even managed to squeeze by her table on the way out without her seeing me. Or me seeing her. Horrible. I hate this kind of situation and there´s no nice way to do it. Not if you´re not on top of things. And there it was again. The lack of anonymousity that I dislike about this town. Phew, again. I just don´t know whether this is the place for me or whether I am right for the place. But like ALL the other current issues it will not dissolve itself today.
Only when I start to breathe, let go, feel good about myself without any outer reason, live and don´t look back. Amen.

what´s next?

just watching my latest favourite tv show, and the episode is titled 'what comes next'. hilarious. there´s several characters that have to start over. a NBA player retiring, a fashion producer selling her company, an unemployed sports journalists trying to get by on producing podcasts. i know, the luxury version of a problem. of course they all live in big houses and drive big cars, i know. nevermind. anyways, the film producer of the posse (who has just made some millions selling a movie) shoots these little documentaries, asking all these utterly lost rich people: 'what comes next?' and i started to wonder. instead of looking back and regretting and feeling sorry what was. what comes next. i don´t know. i know it´s not the end of the world either. i know it´s rather a beginning. i know i know i know. but when does that information sink in completely?
i feel like i am getting it a little more. i am a bit more relaxed. I overeat still but i am kind of relaxed with it. as if i was trying on 'not waiting for me to be skinny in order to start living'. which kind of works and doesn´t at the same time. i enjoy the relaxed feeling. the actual idea of just buying a new pair of jeans in that i can breathe. but at the same time i definetely feel 14 years old again. which was by the way the age i became an anorexic. yesterday, i actually ripped out two pictures of celebrity women of a magazine (so trashy i can´t even tell the name) and was short before glueing them into my diary. what?! yes, i did it. and i still have this image of me in my head in a body shape that i would consider perfect. it might be a little more in the back corner now but it´s there. and it´s gonna be there for a while. and i am going to look at it on a daily basis and keep on dreaming, pretending looking a certain way would really fix things. which i know it doesn´t but the idea is just too tempting.
so maybe i can try an in-between strtegie. doing my thing, not crying over the past anymore, not seeing a concrete future yet. but snuggling into a comfortable place in the middle. with no pressure to go into any direction unless I really feel sure it´s time to go. let´s make it a really nice and comfy sace where i can breathe. and relax. and contemplate. and be. and love. and smile.