what´s next?

just watching my latest favourite tv show, and the episode is titled 'what comes next'. hilarious. there´s several characters that have to start over. a NBA player retiring, a fashion producer selling her company, an unemployed sports journalists trying to get by on producing podcasts. i know, the luxury version of a problem. of course they all live in big houses and drive big cars, i know. nevermind. anyways, the film producer of the posse (who has just made some millions selling a movie) shoots these little documentaries, asking all these utterly lost rich people: 'what comes next?' and i started to wonder. instead of looking back and regretting and feeling sorry what was. what comes next. i don´t know. i know it´s not the end of the world either. i know it´s rather a beginning. i know i know i know. but when does that information sink in completely?
i feel like i am getting it a little more. i am a bit more relaxed. I overeat still but i am kind of relaxed with it. as if i was trying on 'not waiting for me to be skinny in order to start living'. which kind of works and doesn´t at the same time. i enjoy the relaxed feeling. the actual idea of just buying a new pair of jeans in that i can breathe. but at the same time i definetely feel 14 years old again. which was by the way the age i became an anorexic. yesterday, i actually ripped out two pictures of celebrity women of a magazine (so trashy i can´t even tell the name) and was short before glueing them into my diary. what?! yes, i did it. and i still have this image of me in my head in a body shape that i would consider perfect. it might be a little more in the back corner now but it´s there. and it´s gonna be there for a while. and i am going to look at it on a daily basis and keep on dreaming, pretending looking a certain way would really fix things. which i know it doesn´t but the idea is just too tempting.
so maybe i can try an in-between strtegie. doing my thing, not crying over the past anymore, not seeing a concrete future yet. but snuggling into a comfortable place in the middle. with no pressure to go into any direction unless I really feel sure it´s time to go. let´s make it a really nice and comfy sace where i can breathe. and relax. and contemplate. and be. and love. and smile.