one step forward and two back...?

i guess it´s time to post. its weird with these blogs. you don´t even know whether anyone bothers to read what you put on it, and still you feel obliged to post something.
i am exhausted. i am pretending i am getting better. but fact is I overeat on a daily basis, enough to keep putting on weight, little enough to not make me sick. my mind thinks all i wanna do is lose 15 kg, my body thinks all i need to do is eat. my heart feels like having a life. and right now i don´t feel mine. i watch stupid tv-series on the internet. i sit alone in my teacher´s office cause I can´t bear to sit with his family on the couch feeling uneasy and unwelcome. not that i am. but i want to get out. i need to leave. i keep forgetting it´s only 2 days to go. wow, now that i see it in writing it strikes me. only 2 days. it sounds so short, it feels like forever. but then, what is awaiting me? a massage appointment and a haircut. that´s what I arranged for myself before I fly back to Germany. to my so called home. and i don´t know whether it is.
so i have to keep up the hope that i will be able to stand somebody touching me in 2 1/2 days´time. and that i´ll be able to see myself in a mirror for 1 hour or longer the day after. modern women´s rituals for a new phase of life. normally that should mean you leave something behind. or you start something new. right now i can´t betray myselfagain with thinking i´d start a new life without overeating. because i still do it and it´s cruel and i have even stopped surfing because i can´t bear myself in a (too small) bikini anymore. so what´s coming up for me? i have absolutely no idea.
there´s no job to go back to. no home i look forward to. a relationship that has yet to be newly defined. a few good friends that might be there to lean on for a while. but they have their own lives to carry on and i have to find my own. but right now, all i realize over and over is: I have absolutely no idea what my life is. scary shit, that is. and the only idea my mind keeps producing is: lose weight, feel great. right.
so at the same time, nothing and everything has changed. i am still fighting the same old demons (or rather not fighting them right now as i´ve lost my willpower to, but i am afraid i will take up the fight again...) and still have no plan whatsoever. everything is out in the open.
"that just means endless possibilities!", my surf teacher said to me the other day."Life is wonderful, isn´t it!" I am just shit-scared.