40 days

the yogic tradition i feel connected to says that you need 40 days to break a habit. I think I have done that. I have broken the habit of believing that this life is not mine to live. I realized I want to live this life for me. I don´t want to live anyone else´s life. I don´t want to adjust (too much) to other people´s rhythms. I want to have my own things, my own days, my own life. And funnily enough i have fully realized this after I have been here for exactly 40 days.

Unfortunately that makes me struggle now to keep up working in this ashram. I feel tied down, unnerved by having to carry out little tasks that seem to bore me now. I don´t want to cook anymore. (Luckily the cook is due to return tomorrow). I don´t want to be available all the time, always ready ro help and serve and jump in when neccessary. I know that´s what I am here for but I feel like I was here for finding out I don´t want to do this. I don´t want to serve all day. I just want to be free. Wasn´t I looking for freedom? Yes I was, and I somehow discovered that I deserve to be free. Therefore I need to have freedom in my days. I have 2 ½ weeks more to spend here. And right now I am not sure how I will manage that.

one day later.

i feel thrown back. or not. i enjoy being in this house again. i do my work without being angry. I feel good belonging somewhere. still i know it´s time to go. but i have setlled here more than i am aware of probably...