it´s done... sort of

the ok from my landlord came today. I will finally sell my studio tomorrow and get the money I wanted out of it. everything will be settled within this week. where´s the relief??? nothing there yet. the information hasn´t arrived in my system yet. it all worked out in the most perfect way possible and still I am only tired and exhausted. My body feels like I am working heavily each and every day, like if I was building houses. I have got a week from now. to do my taxes, celebrate and pack my things. should work out.

the 99% post

99% the yoga studio is sold.
I am consisting of 99% tension.

that´s what I wanted to post yesterday. The tension got better slightly. I will find out about the studio on Monday afternoon. I have been lying awake last night till 3am, woke up again at 7am, wanting to leave the bed but managed to fall back asleep till 9am. that´s not like me. at all.
It´s a beautiful day today, perfect summer sun, and I guess I should embrace it and just pretend everything is normal. I will go out, sit in cafe, have ice-cream (or whatever detox-device they´ll have in store) and relax into it. I might achieve that up to 99%.



image source

back to the future

wow, how many time travels can you fit into a day? Just yesterday, I was originally looking for an old passport, I stumbled into my VERY old diaries which I wrote when I was first in Australia in 1996 (for 6 months) and then again in 1999 (for 6 weeks). That´s 14 years old. Meaning: I am officially old.
Anyways, I started reading it last night, I almost made it through the first 4 months in one session (until my eyes started to hurt) and I mean I wrote something EVERY day. So there I was, lying in bed with my boy-friend who I was madly in love with back then. Feeling guilty because I still had the other boy-friend back in Germany, feeling swept back and forth between missing the one and not wanting to leave the other... what a drama at the age of 16! I guess it still would be one today. But reading now how I was even ashamed to write about my feelings TO MYSELF into my diary is kinda cute. and naive. and long time ago. but still, it was me who wrote that and I remember most of what I wrote down then and a lot of feelings come back in an instant, the loneliness, the cofusion, the joy, the outburst of pain and homesickness, the crazy falling in love with a guy who I´d probably never see again in my life but would have married right away if there had been a chance (that was his mum´s suggestion by the way!).
So from last night on, I have been re-living (in portions) my journey I made back then, my troubles to find friends at school, to fit into my host family in which I never really felt home as much as I hoped I would, to literally understand something (you think you learned English in school, just to find out, ha, you just don´t get anything!), to NOT fall in love, to break up again and again (always with the intention to 'just be friends'), only to get back together and falling into it deeper than before... When I got to the part where I said goodbye to my down-under boy-friend, I had almost tears coming to my eyes, I felt a fraction of that unbelievable sadness again, that very physical pain of having to leave him knowing I won´t be able to see him or touch him for years or maybe forever. And then finally breaking up with my boy-friend in Germany because I just couldn´t go back to 'normal' after I returned home home. I wrote a lot about how it was an adventure to live in Australia for this time and I feel a little bit of that vibe coming up again only by thinking about applying for a visa... like when I yesterday went to request a new passport. I was so excited and somehow irritated that the clerk I was talking to didn´t notice that, I actually had to tell myself that of course he DOESN´T know that I am getting the passport to apply for visa for Australia. as if the whole world had to be turning around MY future travel plans. well, I guess it does for me.
so as soon as I returned to Germany in 96 (in my reading), I picked up the sequel and flew back to Australia in 99, only to find out that after a short revival of my love affair he started to absolutely ignore me, stopped talking to me completely and left me on parties in the middle of the night so I had to be rescued by some of his friends to be able to spend the night at their place. Literally the one night (that´s like the 5th night of my stay), we had the talk again about maybe we could marry so I am able stay, and the next day we didn´t talk anymore at all. It must have been the toughest thing I had been through in that respect. I had flown around the world to see the man I was once willing to marry (even if it was a naive dream but still, being with him meant so much to me) and now he abandoned me. I could rely on his mum and sister to talk to, but I didn´t wanna marry them then, did I.
So the 2nd visit down under turned out to be different to the first one but yet similar in its exerience: A lot of drama, heartache, happy reunions, being unnerved by the same things (like my host mum yelling), feeling welcome in one part of the family and not so much in the other... But of course I was different then. When I was there in 1996 I was deeply in my anorexic phase and a lot of my feelings and perceptions were covered by that issue. In 1999, I was rather the opposite and binged on food, but I was much more in contact with my feelings. So having the direct comparison, it felt like a veil had been lifted. And that was an interesting thing to experience. How much my whole outlook had changed.
And that is what I am looking forward to experiencing when I will go back (hopefully) next year: If I have a (more or less) clear vision by now. I think now that I do but how will it feel when I actually look at my life upside-down again?
I don´t worry at all about meeting my ex-boyfriend again (although I am tempted to write to him) or my host family, it is more a feeling of there is this place I need to go in order to find out where I am and where I want to be. As if I had to go to the place the farthest away from where I am right now to either come back full circle or see from an adequate distance where I need to go next. Or where I want to stay. Or where I DON´T want to stay. Who I am.
Maybe I still have an exaggerated naive picture of Australia as a magical continent, maybe it´s stupid to believe (again) I might find any answers down there. But I just know I have to go to find out. Like in that very yogic principle you have to go off track to the point where you can´t go any further to then complete your journey (or at least that one) on your way back describing an 'O'-shaped figure. Meaning 'zero', meaning 'shuniya', meaning the bliss of emptiness, meaning the completeness and beauty and fullness of 'nothing'. Stillness. Sat Nam.

source of image
picture taken by marragem

what a difference a day makes...

...24 little hours... or even less!
we arrived back home late last night after 10 hours driving through the whole of France, at least the last half of that it poured down raining. When I entered the appartment, I half read the mail from the occupational disability insurance (out of stupidity), that obvioulsy does not want to give me any money despite ANY health issues I have ever had or will ever have. I had an instant guilt attack and reality check, felt all the stress of those last weeks (that I have been ignoring so efficiently during all my time in France) coming back over me like a big wave, I felt small and scared and helpless, all in an instant, as if it all collapsed on top of me and I was just buried and not able to move anymore at all. hence, there was a miniature binge followed by more guilt and disgust for myself.
great new start back home. I was so exhausted I felt sick to my stomach at 12.30 pm so I had to go to bed giving in to feeling sedated and drifting into coma.
I got up early again, feeling restless, starting a protein-detox-day and getting it all done. So here´s a short list of what I did today (just imagine I did at least two of these things at once):

• emails
  
• emails
  
• and more emails
• phonecalls.
  
• phonecalls.
  
• phone calls again (until me cannot be bothered to answer it anymore)
• getting my landlord to negotiate with my favoured subsequent tenant for my former yoga studio (who would pay me a considerable amount of money for my investments!)
• applying for my new passport ( and giving fingerprints into a computer... spooky)
• finding out about my new smartphone deals (very important, I know)
• being visited by a former co-worker, who just dropped in ( I was still in my pyjamas, talking to my soon-to-be business partner on my official landline, my sister still on my private one (she kinda lay on the table) and appeared as if she was actually worried about me closing down my studio, but in fact only wanted to find out whether I still had that Pilates equipment she is willing to buy now... (man, she can have it ;-) let all the money flow to me...)
• groceries
• looking after a yoga student I just happened to meet in the street
• being excited, exhausted and confused at the same time

hm, that might cover it. I guess I done enough for a day. since I am still officially NOT working. at least it doesn´t feel so scary now that it might all end soon. i mean my episode with owning a yoga studio and feeling tied down to it. it´s almost done. and today, i can see the freedom sneak around the corner... I can almost touch it. in me. it´s there. big breath.

So it´s almost bed time. I didn´t binge but sticked to my detox routine of probiotics-protein-shakes, some frutis and nuts, which makes me feel very proud. and detaching. slowly.
I got a lot of things done ( I need to keep telling that to myself, I might eventually believe it, too.) and I will take care of more stuff tomorrow. It is ok NOT to have it ALL done today. (see brackets above) I could very cautiously say, I am kind of happy.

dreams

still feeling heavy. feeling horrible to be honest. feel like an ever expanding elephant to be more precise.
anyways, still in France, last day of my holidays with my husband. tomorrow we will go back to our place. i will have to finally take care of selling my yoga studio (I am SO anxious it might not work out...). i will have to do my taxes (for last year). hmm, writing it down, the list of uncomfortable things to do is not even so long... how come it FEELS like it´s endless? ok, so here is the experiment. i´ll now make a list of NICE things I will (have to) do in the next 2 weeks before I leave to live in an ashram for a while:

• I will get a new passport
  
• I will apply for a 'work/holiday' visa for Australia (yipieh!)
  
• I will meet lovely friends for sharing and laughter, coffee, cake and non-alcoholic beer (and that can happen any time of the day as there are no appointments waiting for me. strike.)
  
• I will get a professional reflexology treatment
• I will get a Rolfing treatment (that will hopefully uncramp my neck and the left side of my behind that has been aching for a few weeks now and sometimes makes me waddle around slowly like an old lame duck)
  
• I will go out for Sushi and cupcakes ;-) (hopefully with enough time in between those two courses to not feel sick afterwards)
  
• I will sell stuff on eBay that I really want to get rid of and make some money on the go
  
• I will research more opportunities for pursueing my plans of going to London, Portugal, Tel Aviv, the Himalayans, Australia.... and where-ever else comes into my mind
• if I had the time I could even go to amsterdam and/or London to stay with friends...

have i realize yet that this list is just soooo much longer than the 'horrible' one? no. could I please acknowledge that now? hm. well. no. why i am i still doing that to myself? i gave it all away, all the obligations and responsibilities, there´s probably as much as 2 short talks and the writing of an invoice left to do and that is all I cling to and stress about? oh my God, it´s the last thing I am responsible for, how could I even dream about letting go of that??? Ahrg. Grrr. Pffff.

Maybe i should also focus on what I finally SHOULD feel responsible for:

• be happy
• travel as much as I like
• work as much as I like
• be happy
• be happy
• be happy
• be relaxed
• be relaxed
• be relaxed
• be faithful
• be faithful
• be faithful
• be ME

( i really like this little list game. i´m a tru pitta ;-))

this list is so much longer! it wins! doesn´t it? doesn´t it?? well. no. again. nope.
it seems this is my landmark right now. I keep clinging to the thought that ONLY as soon as I have sold my studio, I will finally feel the freedom. That only then I can finally ALLOW myself to feel the freedom. That it is absolutely natural I cannot feel the freedom now. But that THEN, there will be the big relief, the solution, the happy end... Getting the vibe this might not eventuate? yeah, me too. as I think I posted earlier, the only freedom is the one you have inside yourself. so I honestly say a prayer to myself that this time I will not trick me, but that this landmark will bring me freedom. Or more precisely put, lets me see the freedom that is there already. I am serious. I pray for that.



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feeling heavy

one of my teachers said to me: 'you eat because you can´t take your own lightness. you´re so awake you´re trying to put yourself to sleep.' of course he is right. whenever I want to escape the intensity of life, whether good or bad, I find myself eating or at least craving for food even before I realize what is going wrong. Over the matter of years I have learned to not fall for the cravings totally but to see and sense the emotions lying underneath. sometimes as a prevention, sometime as a rehabilitation, sometimes as a lousy crutch at the end of a horrible period of seemingly never-ending addiction.
During my phase of letting go of my previous life as an overly correct and dutiful yoga teacher, i couldn´t help but give in to the cravings for food. There just simply wasn´t a chance. so all I could do was watch how I ate, gained weight, became more uncomfortable in my own skin from day to day, with a slowly rising fear that it could never end and I might be even heavier than I ever was in my worst days. with a little bit of a difference. i realized at some stage that yes, I disliked the physical change I had made having put on at least 5 kilos, but I feel different. I caught myself feeling good inside my body. oops, how could that happen? I gained weight, for any sake, I should be punishing myself and feeling guilty and horrible until I at least lost a good part of what I gained! What´s wrong with the program? Is it broke??
I guess it is. I guess I broke it. good, isn´t it? hmm, yeah, but scary. I could actually be happy. just like that. no physical strings attached. come on, being happy is always connected with some amount of weight loss, isn´t that a natural thing? How did that change?? What went wrong??

I must have learned to love myself a little bit more. As simple as that. I would still like to lose some weight ( and I guess it´ll just happen when my eating habits relax again, that´s what happened over the last years) but I just don´t beat myself up about it anymore so much (only a little sometimes for a trip down memory lane). I must have understood on some deep level that in the end it doesn´t matter AT ALL how I look or how much I weigh. I am allowed to be happy, love myself and be loved, no matter hoe I look. after long years of fighting against that demon, I am finally preparing to say goodbye and let go of it. And as I posted last time, letting go always involves some pain. even if you let go of an addiction that once wanted to kill you.

but I was going to write something about the heaviness. without the negative connotation that we give to that word and feeling, it is also a word for being earth-bound, secure, nurtured. and for me it still symbolizes a lot of that. when you have been anorexic and felt the power of that disease that can actually put you to death and lets you only survive in the biggest deprivation bearable, you know how it feels to NOT be on earth but slowly drifting, insecure whether you going to live or die and deprived of food, love and life. So in order to rebalance that experience, I sometimes feel I have to live with that 'a little too much' for a while to also have that experience and then settle back to the golden middle. or at least that´s what I hope for.
and as long as it takes i try to relax into my heaviness, see he good part of it, let me feel the contenment inside me (despite the non-approved outer appearance) and just live. That feels very good for a start.

the pain of letting go

someone once defined that letting go has to be painful. no matter what the object of letting go is. whether it´s a material thing, an emotion, even a lethal addiction. letting go means having pain.
I guess I have worked the first 30 years of my life towards letting go of a lot of things: self-destruction, inferiority complexes, fear of life, anorexia, obsessive overeating, feeling responsible for my parents and the world (instead of myself), depression, obsessive working out, panic of losing security, anxiety about living an unhappy life without any meanig to it... and so on.
This year´s yoga festival was a lot about letting go of a lot of these things. finally. still, for the first 3 or 4 days, I felt so miserable I couldn´t figure out why. I was crying a lot, in the evenings before sleeping, then again at 4 a.m. before even getting up to visit a toilett. I was sad. I let it go. All that pain and suffering I used as a dear crutch for so many years. Not that it had enabled me to walk properly. In contrary it only made me stumble through life even more. But I knew it was there, it was dependable, it was secure. Secure to keep me alive, but unhappy.
The biggest fear of letting go for me is always the anxiety there might exist a big vaccum that cannot be filled and then (like a black hole) sucks in the universe and destroys it as soon as the old crap is gone. One of my teachers said: 'Nature doesn´t like vacuums, you know that.' But isn´t it allowed to be afraid of what nature will fill in the gap with?? 'So what if there isn´t a big black hole but a bright light?' Hm. Interesting idea. and then you finally get the point. It´s a construction of your fear. You KNOW there is a bright light. You ARE the light. You have just so much gotten used to put yourself down that you didn´t have a concept anymore of yourself being light. I was at the moment to understand it in my mind a while ago but on the festival, I understood it in my heart. (God, that sounds cheesy. awful. life is cheesy sometimes in the same extend it can be cruel and unfair. it still gives me a hard time to accept that...)
so I try to relax into letting go of a lot now. the main thing being, I et go of having a plan. being a true pitta person, I need plans, lists and concepts. at the moment I only have some travelideas, but no fixed plans yet. I feels new but for the first time it feels good. I feel more free than I have ever felt since childhood. The letting go part is still a little shaky, but the pain becomes smaller and less dramatic. *big sigh* I will let go of typing this now (only for today) and see how I feel with that. wahe guru.

what was it all about again?

I can´t believe this is the same life. when I read the last post from not even 2 weeks ago, I am astonished in what state I was back then. somewhere on the way to france, I must have forgotten what I have been so stressed out about.
With my close friend B. I was on my way to a Yoga Festival in the middle of France listening to 90s DJs music and dancing in the car. We decided to take a break after the main part of driving and stay one last night in civilization before entering the realm of spiritual bliss and dreadful smelly bathrooms. So we stopped at our favorite budget hotel chain we had discovered two years ago on our first trip together. When we lay in bed at night I was excited about arriving on the next day. But I had already left behind all the drama of those last endless weeks. I had already forgotten how I had sleepless nights wondering if anyone would give me any money for my studio, whether I will be able to sustain myself or be supported enough financially whilst not working... and here I was, my mind in a perfect repression state of relaxation, on a road trip with B. and my credit card that looked like it will pay for almost anything for the next 100 years.

The next morning the energy had changed. The excitment had been exchanged for some kind of reluctance and we discontentedly continued our journey. the closer we came to the festvial ground, the bigger the resistance grew. we had learned int he past 2 years that going to an intense yoga festival is a big process of letting go and cleansing, and anyone who was ever confronted with the potential lethal impact that the odour of physical results of letting go can have, will have a vague idea when I say, sometimes it is hard to bear.
so instead of going straight to our destination, we stopped again in one of france´s famous shopping malls including a 'hypermarché' which should satisfy our desire for consumption in advance for the whole week. Equipped with an over-sized shopping-cart we travelled our way through endless shelves and freezing dairy zones, shopped fruit and veggies, decaf soluble coffee and long-lasting milk (important survival devices on a yoga festival) and the inevitable accessoire, a pink beach bag. not to mention a new beautiful scarf at an 'esprit' store (was half price), an emergency white pants just in case the yoga gear in the suitcase doesn´t last in the end (it was also half price) and some lovely necklaces and matching earings (2 for 1) that just went too well with my outfit for not taking them.
When we left the parking space, the car was so fully loaded I could feel the weight when trying to accelerate.

A strong feeling of sadness was slowly creeping up on me approaching the festival venue, and on the last break with our lunch of carrot salad and tabouleh, I hardly managed to get the food down I was so anxious. So we took a deep breath, turned on the music really loud, and finally made it to our destination: a week full of yoga and confrontation, sun and music, beautiful friends and intense emotional releases amidst a huge crowd of roughly 2,500 people experiencing more or less the same. congratulations, you arrived in the land of pain and pleasure.

to be continued...