dreams

still feeling heavy. feeling horrible to be honest. feel like an ever expanding elephant to be more precise.
anyways, still in France, last day of my holidays with my husband. tomorrow we will go back to our place. i will have to finally take care of selling my yoga studio (I am SO anxious it might not work out...). i will have to do my taxes (for last year). hmm, writing it down, the list of uncomfortable things to do is not even so long... how come it FEELS like it´s endless? ok, so here is the experiment. i´ll now make a list of NICE things I will (have to) do in the next 2 weeks before I leave to live in an ashram for a while:

• I will get a new passport
  
• I will apply for a 'work/holiday' visa for Australia (yipieh!)
  
• I will meet lovely friends for sharing and laughter, coffee, cake and non-alcoholic beer (and that can happen any time of the day as there are no appointments waiting for me. strike.)
  
• I will get a professional reflexology treatment
• I will get a Rolfing treatment (that will hopefully uncramp my neck and the left side of my behind that has been aching for a few weeks now and sometimes makes me waddle around slowly like an old lame duck)
  
• I will go out for Sushi and cupcakes ;-) (hopefully with enough time in between those two courses to not feel sick afterwards)
  
• I will sell stuff on eBay that I really want to get rid of and make some money on the go
  
• I will research more opportunities for pursueing my plans of going to London, Portugal, Tel Aviv, the Himalayans, Australia.... and where-ever else comes into my mind
• if I had the time I could even go to amsterdam and/or London to stay with friends...

have i realize yet that this list is just soooo much longer than the 'horrible' one? no. could I please acknowledge that now? hm. well. no. why i am i still doing that to myself? i gave it all away, all the obligations and responsibilities, there´s probably as much as 2 short talks and the writing of an invoice left to do and that is all I cling to and stress about? oh my God, it´s the last thing I am responsible for, how could I even dream about letting go of that??? Ahrg. Grrr. Pffff.

Maybe i should also focus on what I finally SHOULD feel responsible for:

• be happy
• travel as much as I like
• work as much as I like
• be happy
• be happy
• be happy
• be relaxed
• be relaxed
• be relaxed
• be faithful
• be faithful
• be faithful
• be ME

( i really like this little list game. i´m a tru pitta ;-))

this list is so much longer! it wins! doesn´t it? doesn´t it?? well. no. again. nope.
it seems this is my landmark right now. I keep clinging to the thought that ONLY as soon as I have sold my studio, I will finally feel the freedom. That only then I can finally ALLOW myself to feel the freedom. That it is absolutely natural I cannot feel the freedom now. But that THEN, there will be the big relief, the solution, the happy end... Getting the vibe this might not eventuate? yeah, me too. as I think I posted earlier, the only freedom is the one you have inside yourself. so I honestly say a prayer to myself that this time I will not trick me, but that this landmark will bring me freedom. Or more precisely put, lets me see the freedom that is there already. I am serious. I pray for that.



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