what´s next?

just watching my latest favourite tv show, and the episode is titled 'what comes next'. hilarious. there´s several characters that have to start over. a NBA player retiring, a fashion producer selling her company, an unemployed sports journalists trying to get by on producing podcasts. i know, the luxury version of a problem. of course they all live in big houses and drive big cars, i know. nevermind. anyways, the film producer of the posse (who has just made some millions selling a movie) shoots these little documentaries, asking all these utterly lost rich people: 'what comes next?' and i started to wonder. instead of looking back and regretting and feeling sorry what was. what comes next. i don´t know. i know it´s not the end of the world either. i know it´s rather a beginning. i know i know i know. but when does that information sink in completely?
i feel like i am getting it a little more. i am a bit more relaxed. I overeat still but i am kind of relaxed with it. as if i was trying on 'not waiting for me to be skinny in order to start living'. which kind of works and doesn´t at the same time. i enjoy the relaxed feeling. the actual idea of just buying a new pair of jeans in that i can breathe. but at the same time i definetely feel 14 years old again. which was by the way the age i became an anorexic. yesterday, i actually ripped out two pictures of celebrity women of a magazine (so trashy i can´t even tell the name) and was short before glueing them into my diary. what?! yes, i did it. and i still have this image of me in my head in a body shape that i would consider perfect. it might be a little more in the back corner now but it´s there. and it´s gonna be there for a while. and i am going to look at it on a daily basis and keep on dreaming, pretending looking a certain way would really fix things. which i know it doesn´t but the idea is just too tempting.
so maybe i can try an in-between strtegie. doing my thing, not crying over the past anymore, not seeing a concrete future yet. but snuggling into a comfortable place in the middle. with no pressure to go into any direction unless I really feel sure it´s time to go. let´s make it a really nice and comfy sace where i can breathe. and relax. and contemplate. and be. and love. and smile.

one step forward and two back...?

i guess it´s time to post. its weird with these blogs. you don´t even know whether anyone bothers to read what you put on it, and still you feel obliged to post something.
i am exhausted. i am pretending i am getting better. but fact is I overeat on a daily basis, enough to keep putting on weight, little enough to not make me sick. my mind thinks all i wanna do is lose 15 kg, my body thinks all i need to do is eat. my heart feels like having a life. and right now i don´t feel mine. i watch stupid tv-series on the internet. i sit alone in my teacher´s office cause I can´t bear to sit with his family on the couch feeling uneasy and unwelcome. not that i am. but i want to get out. i need to leave. i keep forgetting it´s only 2 days to go. wow, now that i see it in writing it strikes me. only 2 days. it sounds so short, it feels like forever. but then, what is awaiting me? a massage appointment and a haircut. that´s what I arranged for myself before I fly back to Germany. to my so called home. and i don´t know whether it is.
so i have to keep up the hope that i will be able to stand somebody touching me in 2 1/2 days´time. and that i´ll be able to see myself in a mirror for 1 hour or longer the day after. modern women´s rituals for a new phase of life. normally that should mean you leave something behind. or you start something new. right now i can´t betray myselfagain with thinking i´d start a new life without overeating. because i still do it and it´s cruel and i have even stopped surfing because i can´t bear myself in a (too small) bikini anymore. so what´s coming up for me? i have absolutely no idea.
there´s no job to go back to. no home i look forward to. a relationship that has yet to be newly defined. a few good friends that might be there to lean on for a while. but they have their own lives to carry on and i have to find my own. but right now, all i realize over and over is: I have absolutely no idea what my life is. scary shit, that is. and the only idea my mind keeps producing is: lose weight, feel great. right.
so at the same time, nothing and everything has changed. i am still fighting the same old demons (or rather not fighting them right now as i´ve lost my willpower to, but i am afraid i will take up the fight again...) and still have no plan whatsoever. everything is out in the open.
"that just means endless possibilities!", my surf teacher said to me the other day."Life is wonderful, isn´t it!" I am just shit-scared.

40 days

the yogic tradition i feel connected to says that you need 40 days to break a habit. I think I have done that. I have broken the habit of believing that this life is not mine to live. I realized I want to live this life for me. I don´t want to live anyone else´s life. I don´t want to adjust (too much) to other people´s rhythms. I want to have my own things, my own days, my own life. And funnily enough i have fully realized this after I have been here for exactly 40 days.

Unfortunately that makes me struggle now to keep up working in this ashram. I feel tied down, unnerved by having to carry out little tasks that seem to bore me now. I don´t want to cook anymore. (Luckily the cook is due to return tomorrow). I don´t want to be available all the time, always ready ro help and serve and jump in when neccessary. I know that´s what I am here for but I feel like I was here for finding out I don´t want to do this. I don´t want to serve all day. I just want to be free. Wasn´t I looking for freedom? Yes I was, and I somehow discovered that I deserve to be free. Therefore I need to have freedom in my days. I have 2 ½ weeks more to spend here. And right now I am not sure how I will manage that.

one day later.

i feel thrown back. or not. i enjoy being in this house again. i do my work without being angry. I feel good belonging somewhere. still i know it´s time to go. but i have setlled here more than i am aware of probably...