ashram / compost

there are funny sides to living in an ashram. for example seeing your teacher (with beard and turban) carrying half a tree through the garden or going shopping groceries with you down the road (a spiritual master needingmy help to chose the right bundle of bananas? come on!), or seeing him disappear down to his waist in a cisterne he needs to check (of course gracefully holding his beard to the side while doing so). The daily ritual of 'bread-with-honey-meets-voluptous-beard' I know from other teachers so it doesn´t fascinate me as much anymore (although I sometimes have the impression the winner of this unequal fight is not always clear from the beginning, though the beard tends to win).
there are not so funny sides, too. within 24 hours i am confronted with all, and I mean ALL, my issues that try to drown me at the present moment. I am back to feeling 16 again, lost and insecure, a child needing approval of her existence every 5 minutes, a young 'overly-feeling-responsible' woman who tries to fit in so well and not to make too much noise and always expects somebody to shout into her face for doing everything wrong constantly. I am perfectly sure that I have absolutely NO right to be here in this wonderful place, living with this amazing family, and being happy, let alone exist.
Yesterday was a good day actually, I had a lovely time with my teacher at lunch and working in the garden, laughing a lot, first signs of arrival appeared. maybe i was feeling too good. I was facing an afternoon without a task given and I binged. I was able to stop only to continue after dinner. Great. I just don´t think I deserve this. i am not allowed such a great opportunity to grow, to learn, to be me, to be. I really still believe i have to take care of anyone´s needs but mine and need to be a bit plump to not be too sexy or attractive (in case that could make somebody feel uncomfortable). It all boils down to me not loving myself. i don´t see myself as a lovable person, I just don´t see ME at all. sometimes I think i don´t wanna see me.
I have my biggest issues sitting directly in front of me and smirk: my eating obsession or rather the obsessive thoughts about wanting to become skinny again, my overactive desire to make anyone happy but myself. I am not quite sure whether I shoved all this on my back just to make my neck hurt or to eventually throw it on the compost. Cause it´s real heavy stuff. At least that´s what it feels like right now. I will go now and contemplate about composting issues. i quite like the idea.