where´s the rules?

I arrived to this ashram expecing it to be somewhat strict. (I am German after all.) Then I was offered coffee. I still opted for herbal tea though. But there are BIG quantities of coffee in this house. I assume they´re not only for guests. The general daily schedule includes an early morning sadhana from 5.30 am (which is already 'lazy' compared to the traditional 4 a.m.). Turns out, unless there is a group for a training at the house, nobody will bother to do a group sadhana, especially not that early in the morning. These people her have a highly irregular working schedule so there is no way to keep up such an extreme regime. So nobody will expect me to get up at 4 in the morning then? No. Nobody even expects me to do sadhana at all? No. I am expected to do my duties, to work for the house. That´s all. I don´t know yet whether that´ll be a lot of work, but it is always put like: 'you will be working hard'. We´ll see.

9.30 a.m.
So on my first day today I got up at 7, did some yoga, had breakfast, hung up some washing (in the sun that is unbelievably hot at 9 in the morning) and now i am writing this. I´m sitting in the office, noone here yet, looking at passport pictures of my (beard ´n turban) teacher. It looks somehow ridiculous to force somebody so NOT limited by physical or mental boundaries (that we accept as society) into such a small frame. It doesn´t make sense at all.
Yesterday a feeling of being trapped and tied down came up again (one of my little demons I guess) and today I realize, it probably won´t be like that at all. I might have a strict working schedule, but it all relies on negotiation and communication. So there´s nothing around that cannot be changed. Even to the extent I might find out I don´t want to work here at all, I´d still be able to stay as a guest. So i have to sit now with this: I am free, I chose to be here, I am free to change my status here anytime, but still I don´t feel free. Would I feel more freedom if I had many rules to obey? No, but then there would be something obvious to rebell against. This way, it´s down to me. I can only rebell against myself. Or to put it the other way round, it´s UP to me. I can do whatever I like. I try to look at it like this today. To see whether it fits.

12.30 a.m.
As there is still nobody around telling me what to do (how horrible), I gave myself the task to do some ironing and cleaning. At least now I don´t feel like a total freeloader anymore (are we having a problem here?). It´s way too hot to go outside, it´s lunchtime now and I appreciate my room in the cool basement. The sky is amazingly clear blue and the little white clichée houses contrast against it with pure perfection in the glooming sunlight. By now there are some people working around me, the cook/cleaner, a portuguese lady in her mid-forties (only speaks portuguese of course), who has been cooking and moving furniture for some hours now, not wanting any help, but listening to the portuguese version of xxx very loudly while she does her duties. Did I mention this is so clichée? But in a good way. The other woman around is a young (pregnant) portuguese woman in her thirties, she does some local admin stuff on the computer, but as there´s no landline for the phone or internet available (this house is so much in the middle of nowhere it would have to have it´s own posts and chords, so nobody bothers to invest that much), she uses the only internet connection available right now and I feel pretty cut off. It´s my second day without email, facebook and reading blogs. And I have to say I am not amused about how much I miss it. I don´t necessarily think it (being online) is a bad thing, after all it´s a way of connecting and communicating, but still when you miss something so much after half a day, it merits some reflection. And if I had internet connection right now, I would probably be surfing, writing emails and procrastinating otherwise instead of writing this.

6.20 p.m.
I am finally posting this. And all of a sudden, being on the internet is the weirdest thing ever. As if it was just a stupid idea to send all these thoughts out there. For whom? I hope it reaches somebody. i hope it reaches me.