paddling back

I don´t know what had come over me when I wrote that 'breakthrough'-entry last week. Thank God I wrote the maybe in the end.
I have been addicted to eiter starving myself or overeating constantly for the last 16 years (this is a number I can hardly bear, it´s more than half my life). Let´s substract the good time, which might add up to a year or so, in which I didn´t feel so addicted and actually attained a healthy weight only through eating 'normal' somehow. It´s still 15 years then.
In the last weeks and months, it has been worse than ever. I have these days where I get up and I unconsciously start to put food in my mouth from the first minute standing up. I can tell you, to overeat ( feeling guilty and miserable and disgusting all along) even BEFORE breakfast, that´s no start into a new day at all. That´s a desaster.
So as i have been doing this for a while now, of course I have gained weight. I don´t know how much, I don´t have a scale (maybe that´s a good thing??) . Sometimes I want to know to estimate the damage done. After all, there is a very sure way to happiness: Achieving my dream weight again.
Of yourse I know that´s bull****. Who doesn´t? I know the key to letting go of the addiction is loving myself, allowing myself to feel good about me no matter what. and that´s the crucial point. The 'no-matter-what' part. I suck at that.
I can easily fell great about me when I have hardly eaten one day. Or when i really worked hard without pausing. Or when someone else is happy with what I have done. Or when I achieve soemthing I really wanted. But only until I enter the next kitchen. I will destroy my good feelings before I notice myself by overeating- maybe because I know it´s not the happiness I am looking for in the end. But it´s part of my happiness to feel good about my body and I still (unconsciously or even consciously) prevent that from happening.
Sometimes it seems the addiction is just never going to end. How can I stop when I can´t? When will I be able to not binge anymore at all? When can I allow myself to be independet from the drug 'food' that is killing me?
I have decided to take an extreme measure. I will join my teacher´s wife for a 10-day-liver-detox-cleansing-diet from tomorrow. To get me detached for once. i hope it´ll work. I know that the liver has job to digest feelings, and that´s what it´s about isn´t it? I am hoping for some release and relief. And for a break from constant eating. Since sometimes it helps to have strict rules and to share them with somebody. That´s what they do in rehab programmes, too, right?

Of course I am dreaming about losing enormous amounts of weight in those 10 days, to get over my disorder for good and live happily ( and slim) ever after. I guess I need it to get me motivated in the first place. I will let you know how I do. And my liver.